From a young age, many boys hear phrases like, “Don’t cry, be a man,” “Men don’t cry,” “Show you’re strong.” These phrases, and the societal expectations associated with them, shape what we know as traditional masculinity. At first glance, the phrase being a man can mean being strong, resilient, and unbreakable. But for many men, it means suppressing all sensitivities and vulnerabilities. In the long term, this can unfortunately lead to suppressed emotions, loneliness, compromised mental health and, in extreme cases, suicide.

Why should we be very wary of the phrase “be a man”? What norms associated with it most affect men? Often from childhood we teach young boys to resist expressing their feelings. We tell them that women want strong partners, not some “whiny” men. But is that true? Women also want sensitive and emotional men who are not afraid to show their tears. So how to solve the problem?

Cultural norms and emotions in men

Society often instills in boys from a young age that a real man must be tough, self-sufficient and emotionally restrained. This socialisation turns natural human sensitivity into something that is seen as a weakness. A study defining so-called toxic masculinity describes the ideal of masculinity as something based on strength, dominance, aggression, independence and resistance to anything that is effeminate.

According to research, most men are raised to repress or ignore their feelings. This means they often lack the vocabulary and skills to describe their own emotions. And they often think it’s okay because it’s simply not appropriate for men.

The unfortunate consequence is that even though men often feel deep sadness, anxiety or vulnerability, they learn to feed these feelings in their heads, suppress them or hide them behind something else, such as anger, irritability or defensiveness. But this hardly satisfies the need for real understanding.

Suppressing emotions leads to poorer mental health

The consequences of suppressing emotions are not just psychological. They often manifest themselves in illness, addictions, isolation, and even extreme despair. A review study on men’s mental health found that men with mental health problems are much less likely to seek help and are significantly more likely to commit suicide.

In the United States between 2016 and 2018, men accounted for approximately 80% of all deaths by suicide. But similar statistics hold true elsewhere, with approximately 75% of all suicides in the world in general being committed by men. The reasons vary. Apart from the fact that men are less likely to seek psychological help, they are more likely to go through stress, depression or relationship problems. Their health often remains hidden and many illnesses go untreated.

Moreover, according to some surveys, men are more likely to react to psychological pain with extreme behaviour. Irritability, aggression, alcohol or substance abuse are common. All of this shows that suppressing emotions is not just a cultural impractical limitation, but has real, measurable impacts on men’s health, lives and relationships.

For some men, crying is a sign of weakness. But this is mainly because their surroundings say so. ━━ For some men, crying is a sign of weakness. But this is mainly because their surroundings say so. ( Source: Ivan Rodriguez Alba /  iStockphoto )

The problematic phrase: “Be a man!”

When men are taught from a young age to be strong and not to gush over their feelings, they are also taught to hide their vulnerability from others, often from those they love. This has significant implications for the quality of intimate relationships. Partners, friends or family may feel that the man is cold, distant, emotionally unavailable. But in reality, he may be experiencing anxiety, hurt or sadness inside. These outwardly unspoken feelings can then turn into feelings of loneliness, frustration, or even mistrust.

Breaking down the phrase “be a man” is not about destroying male identity, but redefining it. Masculinity does not have to mean coldness, unavailability, and repression of emotions. On the contrary, it can involve the courage to be vulnerable, the ability to talk about one’s feelings, relational honesty, empathy and mutual support. Research shows that when men are encouraged to openly express their thoughts and feelings, their mental health improves significantly.