Giving a second chance to a partner: Psychologists warn it’s not always the right choice

There is no clear answer to the question of whether to return to a partner after a break-up and whether to forgive even big mistakes. Some would say that everyone deserves a second chance. Others prefer not to enter the same river twice. I tend to be in the latter group of people, but that’s only because I was once in the former. And I know from experience that some things can’t be glued together.

After the breakup, I tried my best to change some things and put the household back together. After a few months, I was able to do that. But the relationship still didn’t last and fell apart under even more complicated circumstances. That’s why I prefer to tell everyone now that once something is over, there’s no point in renewing it. And psychologists generally agree.

Change is not enough

If two people break up and get back together, something has to change. And not just on the part of one of them. Even if, for example, the break-up was because of one of the partners, when they get back together they will both have to compromise. Unfortunately, psychologists say that change is usually not enough. In the short term, it may seem that some problems have been solved, but in the long term, new, even more serious ones will emerge.

Second chances are not uncommon. Particularly among young people , this phenomenon is very common, and it even appears that a return to the ex-parent occurs in up to half of the cases. But although people tell themselves what they are going into the relationship with the second time around, they usually start to reproach themselves very quickly for the old wrongs. My second breakup wasn’t over anything new. It was for the same reason as the first one. And the fault was on both sides, neither of us could simply change.

Existential therapist Sara Kuburic says that partners often get back together because they’re afraid they won’t find anyone else. But often the reason is also memories of good times and love. And although it seems that love is the most important thing, unfortunately it is not. There is much more to a relationship. Sometimes even the person we love isn’t the right person for us.

When does it make sense to return?

In some cases, people are actually able to change. If both partners work not only on the relationship together, but also on each other, set common goals and are able to forgive the other, but also themselves, then in theory there is a chance to repair the relationship. However, it is difficult to know whether this will happen. I thought that getting over the breakup made us stronger and that nothing worse would happen. And for a few months, that was true. But in the end, it turned out badly.

A real return to a partner is worthwhile if the breakup happened under “special” circumstances. Sometimes people aren’t together because they simply can’t. And that might be because of work, distance, or even citizenship. But if the conditions that hindered the relationship change, then there is a good chance that the couple could work out a second time.