Christmas is a symbol of family comfort for most people. But what if the marriage has broken down and the family is no longer whole? If you have children who have already suffered enough from the divorce, at least for the holidays you may want to try to make them happy and bring the family together. But in reality, it may be more of a carefully rehearsed social performance.

If old grievances, disappointments or tensions still lurk between former partners, a joint Christmas is often a very bad idea. A joint Christmas after divorce can work under certain conditions, but it often requires a great deal of empathy, planning and self-control. Do you want your kids to have the whole family under the tree too? It will be more challenging than you think.

Why does a shared Christmas sometimes make sense?

A shared Christmas can be an important anchor of stability for children, as it can provide a sense of continuity at a time when everything is different. According to experts on parenting after divorce, it is crucial that parents communicate and agree in advance how childcare will work.

The advantage of celebrating Christmas together can also be that it saves children the stress of deciding where to spend Christmas Day, especially if they are younger. In addition, among divorced couples with children, about 41% of families report having a friendly and cooperative parenting relationship. And it is these couples who are most likely to make it through Christmas together after divorce. Thus, if everything is well arranged, Christmas together can be a symbol of maturity, healthy parental cooperation and emotional security for children.

Why can celebrating together also be a trap?

Although co-parenting is attractive, it carries its own risks. Especially if there has been no emotional healing after the divorce. One of the most common risks is that children may begin to have false hope of family restoration. If parents have not particularly suppressed old emotions, a shared Christmas can be confusing for children.

Christmas holidays often increase stress because the ideal atmosphere is expected, i.e., perfect dinner, presents, harmony. For divorced parents, it can mean having to perform something they haven’t felt for a long time. Even more so if new partners or extended families are encroaching on old traditions. Another problem is that the lack of clear boundaries and agreement about who will prepare what and how gifts will be divided can lead to confusion, tension or a sense of inequality between children.

If you don't want the holidays of peace and tranquility to turn into a horror, you should watch your behaviour. ━━ If you don't want the holidays of peace and tranquility to turn into a horror, you should watch your behaviour. ( Source: Estradaanton /  iStockphoto )

Lest the Christmas acting performance end in disaster…

If you don’t have a good relationship with your ex-partner but are still thinking about Christmas together, planning well in advance, open communication and honesty are key. Current recommendations say it’s a good idea to sit down in November or early December and discuss everything from presents to when and where everyone will meet.

Equally important is to set clear boundaries about what is and isn’t part of Christmas together. How will the new partners behave, how will gifts be bought? If you see tension, anger, insecurity or a sense of loss prevailing in one of you, it’s okay to acknowledge this early on and perhaps celebrate Christmas separately.